Are Our Wireless Providers Actually Providing, Or Are We Taking It In The Butt? (In A Metaphorical Sense)

Wireless providers have failed to match the prowess of their Internet brethren when it comes to signal quality and strength, the New York Times reports.

To head-up these complaints, money-hemorrhaging Sprint has released the Airave (watch out—therein lies a stupid video), a $99 machine that supposedly beefs your cellphone signal to the levels of a jacked leather daddy. But before the butt-party begins, you must prove you're having difficulties with your signal, and then you gotta pay $5 a month.

So ... why not get a landline instead? They're cheaper than the free condoms and subsequent broken hearts in a gay club restroom.

Must we be handcuffed to our $500 battery-sucking quasi-computers? Has the landline become as stigmatized as the Zack Morris' 12" dildo of a cellphone?

My psychic powers tell me that as articles and complaints such as these proliferate, more and more companies will release hard-to-prove-they're-working glorified Wi-Fi towers that'll take the torque of three, four, five, twelve simultaneously functioning phones at once. And we'll eat it like so many quarts of Astroglide.

All this, so wireless providers can sneak out the fire escape when it comes to actually doing their jobs.

Alternative: we could start writing letters again. Just gayin'.