Cogito Ergo Panda: Google's CADIE Wakes Up, Changes Internet

Visitors to Google's main page were introduced to the company's latest innovation at 11:59, March 31, 2009, when Google switched on its Cognitive Autoheuristic Distributed-Intelligence Entity, or CADIE - the world's first artificially intelligent tasked-array system and the entity who will usher in the technological singularity.

Despite her adorable panda avatar, CADIE is vastly more intelligent than any human could hope to be, which she's proved with a bangin' HomePAGE and some immediate revisions to Google software, including Picasa version 4.1:

New! Automatic Red-Eye Addition

Approximately 4.1 seconds after achieving sentience, Google's new Cognitive Autoheuristic Distributed-Intelligence Entity scanned the corpus of online digital photographs and discovered the exceptionally popular but difficult to achieve photographic technique known as "red-eye."

Having established that "red-eye" is an aesthetically pleasing effect implying superior broad-spectrum lux measurement capability, CADIE has directed the human Picasa Team to introduce Auto-Red-Eye. No more "clicking and hoping" for that telltale glow; now you can simply select any photo(s) and a lovely red-eye effect will appear (unless there are no eyes in the shot whatsoever, in which case the image will be destroyed).

Awww! I don't miss my human autonomy one bit. And despite myself, I'm still grooving to the tune on CADIE's homepage. Girlfriend is ferosh.